Entry #7 Self-Worth

There wasn't really much that happened the past few days. I consciously made an effort to eat but as always not as much as I'm supposed to. Then yesterday afternoon, I met my best friend Tin.

I promised to accompany her to her gown fitting for her cousin's wedding on Nov. 15. At the designer's counter were some boxes of diet pills. And for a while my best friend was actually interested to buy one of those. Afterward, we went to SM North Edsa so that I can purchase candies and treats for the Halloween. There will be kids trick or treating in the village on Thursday. I'm actually quite excited about it and bought several costumes for my daughter to join the contest as well. I hope she'd agree to wear the wig that day.... *crossing fingers*

My brother had documents for me to sign. So he met us at the grocery as well. While I was signing the documents he offered to buy us hot dogs. As always I requested him not to get me the one with the bread. So ended buying me a hot dog on stick with a bottled water. And then he commented of how much bigger I'd become compared to before I got pregnant. He even joked that he would have to anticipate his fiance ballooning in the future as well. For a moment I thought I would affect me and I'd end up not eating the hot dog. But to my surprise, I managed to ignore it and decided to consume the hot dog anyways but I had to strip off the bacon wrapped around it before eating.

When I got home I was too tired so I just laid on my bed checked some mails and then fell asleep. I woke up again at around 11pm obviously because I need to watch over my son from 1130pm to 730am as usual.

@ 10:30 am today I woke up and went downstairs to eat my first ever complete meal. Since I managed to convince myself to try it today. So I got through with it meal with rice, vegetable, meat and soup. It felt good really until, I felt this sharp pain in my stomach. I was curling up on the floor because it really hurt so badly. Then after a few minutes I started feeling sick and started to throw up everything. NOTE: I DIDN'T STICK DOWN A FINGER DOWN MY THROAT OR ANYTHING. I just threw up without doing anything.

I could feel my stomach contracting even though there wasn't any more food left to vomit. My stomach just kept on squeezing and squeezing and I can taste the gastric juice coming out and it burns so badly on it's way up. ARGHH my throat! Then I remembered an article I read on Medusa's site. Something about gastroparesis. It horrified me I was trembling in fear that I might have that.

So I called my doctor and told him what I was experiencing. He then explained that it might just be that my stomach was all of a sudden overwhelmed with the food I ate. Since it was used to living on so little crumbs. He was confident it's not gastroparesis. It somehow comforted me but I felt so worthless!!! I just feel like I am a complete waste of space. And that I don't even deserve to be here! Sometimes I wonder if people around me would be better off without me. And then I remembered what I was fighting for. My family... I can't be selfish and give up this easily. I must continue to fight.... I just know I must.... hopefully the I can part will come afterwards.

Mood: Feeling worthless, lonely, and helpless