Here's a short recap of that crazy day. The day started good actually. I was supposed to meet my best friend Tin @ 1am so that we can go to the "Mega Sale" together. I managed to wake up early that day so that I can finish my "maternal duties" before leaving. When I was about to bathe my little boy @11:30am I received a phone call from my mom. She said that they were looking at houses around our vicinity and will drop off something with my dad @ our home. Anyways I hurriedly bathed my son since I have a commitment to attend to after that.
My mom arrived and I was at first really excited to see her and my dad. But the things turned horribly wrong when she started commenting on how big my arms are! She said "Why are your arms still that huge? Aren't you supposed to lose all the weight you've gained already? It's been 6 months? Do you wanna end up looking like me when you get older? (meaning fat)". It was horrible! Say that to someone who has an eating disorder. Thanks a lot. I know she meant well, since given my history I am not blessed with being naturally skinny like the other typical ASIAN girls! I have bigger frames thus I need to lose all the fats around it, just in order to fit in what they so call the "NORM". She went on poking and pinching me. Then finally she said "I know what we'll do, We can go to Belo and have SMARTLIPO together clearly you need it as well". FYI, news flash I'm not even fat! Currently I stand 5'3 and weigh 112 lbs so that gives me a BMI of 19.8. That's supposed to be considered a normal weight but I would usually weigh 98-103lbs without all the pregnancy weights. But recap I gained 80+lbs only 6 mos ago!
Obviously I haven't had breakfast nor lunch yet. I just went straight to the shower and headed off to meet my friend. I met Tin @ 1:30pm, she wanted to have lunch first before heading to the sale. But unfortunately there were no parking spaces to be found nearby so I suggested maybe we could go straight to the sale and grab something on the way there. We got there and there were food stalls outside the tent. We attempted to grab drinks before going inside. However the long line plus the extreme heat of the sun discouraged us so we just went ahead to the tent empty handed. We spent hours in there. But as we were trying on dresses I started to feel weak and lightheaded, my mouth was dry and I was barely catching my breath. I decided to tell Tin how I'm feeling. It feels like I'm gonna collapse any minute due to extreme dehydration. We paid for our stuffs and headed to the nearest Starbucks at Metrowalk.
@ Starbucks, I ordered a grande caramel affogato (which is blended creme topped with an espresso shot) Tin ordered some green tea latte with soy something (I can't recall lolz). So we sat there and grabbed some magazines and started drinking our beverages. It was really good, I told her that we should do that more often since I barely go out anymore. We then started browsing magazines and gossiping. But what she didn't know is that while I was flipping through the pages and seeing all those skinny models on the prints made my mom's earliest comment playback over and over in my head. I'm really a master of this charade since my best friend beside me didn't even suspect a thing. I was starting to be drawn back to that dark place where self hate and all things negatives dwell. We finally headed home and since she was obviously starving, we ate @ home before I dropped her off the nearest train station. I only consumed a block of tofu and some vegetable bites plus a half bowl of clear soup because I'm well aware of how much calories was I able to consume during that Starbucks break.
When I returned home and started taking off my clothes to change into my pjs. I stared at the mirror and saw my horrible reflection. There I can see all the fats my mom was referring to and pinching earlier and of course ANA was there to make me hate myself even more. I started crying and started banging my head against the wall, I just couldn't take it anymore I hated myself. Just when I was starting to recover there I was hating myself again! Then I saw the package opener we purchased earlier. To make things worse, I started cutting myself with it. I cut my fingers then my hands then the pain wasn't enough i started slashing my stomach with it over and over! The cuts weren't deep they're just very shallow that there were just minimal blood. But at that moment I was horribly seeking pain towards myself and I grabbed a bottle of 70% alcohol and poured it over the wounds over and over. I felt disgusted, frustrated, desperate etc etc.
And then, my daughter started banging on the bathroom door shouting she needs to use the potty. Lucky for me, that drew me back to sanity. I put on my clothes and opened the door for her. Then she stared at me confused and said "mommy cry?". I felt so ashamed of myself! How could I've been so selfish! I have 2 kids now!!! What in the world was I thinking?! They need me and I'm so weak and pathetic.
Here are some photos so that you can relate.
This was me April of 2009 prior to giving birth to my son.
This was me October 24, 2009 self destructing inside the bathroom.
Mood: Ashamed
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