Entry #2 Brief History

So how did it all began? I was overweight as a child. My family even my parents are repulsed by the way I look. I am the middle child, I have 4 other siblings (3 brothers 1 sister). When we were younger, I would always be compared to my sister who's a year younger than me. Emphasizing how much prettier she is, better etc. At a very young age, I've already been made aware of the fact that I'm the ugliest among all of us. Even far relatives would make mean side comments about it. Oh and of course, classmates and peers are not even remotely forgiving for obvious reasons. As a matter of fact they've been far worse.

I had a rough childhood. Often times I would just pretend to ignore those horrible taunting. Then I would decide to rebel by resuming to over eat (just to prove that I'm not affected). But the truth is that it did hurt and it had a huge impact on my life that I'd be living with the consequences until this very day. I had 0 confidence 0 self esteem.

I tried to compensate my physical shortcomings by over achieving academically. I'd manage to be an honor student all through out my school life.

At age 14 I fell victim to ANA. I had once and for all decided to face my weight problem. When my Mom saw my dedication, she would offer to enroll me in a fitness center right beside our house. She was really happy that she'd even paid for a lifetime worth of membership for me to use as I please. The nutritionist gave me food plans for the week and gave me a journal where I can document my food intakes everyday. She taught me calorie counting, I had to weigh my food with food scales in an effort to properly document everything. What seemed to be an innocent dieting plan at first would unfortunately make an ugly turn into becoming a breeding ground for ED.

My very first weigh in, I could remember the numbers as if it was yesterday. 165 lbs at 5 feet 2 inches. The nutritionist would shake her head and exclaim "We have a lot of work to do". When I lost my first pound I became so ecstatic, that I kept looking forward to another pound I'd be shedding the next day. I found myself obsessively counting calories and weighing in my food and I would also exercise excessively in an effort to lose more weight. After a while, the scale would stop moving. Then I would become more and more desperate to lose the next pound that I resorted to diet pills, and starvation. It was horribly painful, but I was determined to lose as much weight as I can. After months of this unhealthy habit, I managed to drop down to a mere 100lbs. But it never seemed enough. Every time I'd reach my goal I'd convince myself that dropping another 3 lbs seemed like a brilliant idea.

I would have black out spells. I would go in and out of consciousness. And of course lanugo, that awful looking hair growth in awkward places (it was only lately that I learned what it was called). I didn't even know it was related to my extreme weight loss. I would always feel weak but I could still do my exercise routines I don't even know where I get the energy from. I suffered hair loss and gum bleeding as well. I managed to alienate everyone in my life just to focus on my ultimate goal and that is to weigh less than the last time. As disturbing as it may sound I would spend hours inside the bathroom just admiring the bones sticking out of my skin. I was suffering physically, but I felt empowered mentally. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was in control. I felt like I can do anything. Never will I be that fat girl everyone makes fun of. I'd be known as the thin one, the skinny one. Oh how I loved that idea.

I never really thought it was a problem. Until I hit my lowest weight at 78lbs. There was this doctor that goes to the fitness center whom I'd always encounter. She would finally decide to approach me and talk to me and shared how she felt like I have a problem. That's the first time I've heard of the words anorexia and eating disorder. It was the greatest taboo I've ever heard of. Living in a 3rd world country called Philippines, where a large number of people actually die of hunger and extreme poverty and there I was ironically starving myself by choice.

After that, I decided to do a research on the subject. I was astound that such a disorder does exist. ANA or MIA lurks around and preys on their next unsuspecting victim. It pretends to be your friend the when you least expect it. It sucks out the life in you. Being brought up with a person of strong will that very moment I decided to get better. How naive I was to think that recovery would be easy. I thought that all I had to do is just start stuffing foods in my mouth and start eating again then I'd be miraculously cured! It wasn't the case at all the very first meal I decided I will eat I found myself pushing the foods all around my plate. My arm felt too heavy to lift the fork and feed myself. Then I heard voices, hushing voices telling me how I'd go back to being fat if I start eating again. I kept trying but somehow I just couldn't do it. I stormed out of the table and went to my room crying my heart out. I kept asking myself what have I done? How can I fix this? I don't want to die like those people... I just can't die.

I never had any professional help nor did I had any supports from my family nor friends. ANA isn't really a recognized subject here. Often times people would just judge me whenever I try to share my ordeals and problems. So I had to brave a lonely miserable journey towards recovery. I was out there all alone fending and desperately finding my way. After that first failure I'd be performing numerous more attempts to eat normally. It took me years. It wasn't easy but with a lot of determination I was finally able to slowly recover and eat again. So am I actually cured? I can never really answer that. I feel like I have somehow recovered in a sense but I have not reached absolute recovery. I do recognize my problem. I also consciously make an effort to control it. However as pathetic as it may sound, helplessly I would relapse and face my demons over and over again till this very day.