Entry #1 Introduction

This is my very first time to blog. I don't really know where or how to start. A short introduction seems logical. So here it goes. I'm a 25 years old mother of 2 beautiful babies, a 2 years old baby girl and a 6 months old baby boy. I am happily married to the my ever so loyal and responsible husband for 3 years now. Even though we're not filthy rich, I'm proud to say that we live comfortably and can even occasionally afford little splurges in life. Everything should have been perfect except for my daily bout with an inner demon named ANA since I was 14 years old.

I decided to start this blog in an effort to seek support and share what I'm going through with people who are in the same situation. I want to seek absolute recovery. Not a day goes by that I do not fear that I might lose this long term battle and cave in to ANA for good.

In my next entry I would share with you the brief history the toxic relationship I shared with ANA. But for this entry I've decided to share my current state first.

Through the years, I'd be having moments when I fall of the wagon then fight back and reclaim my life from ANA. When I got pregnant with my first baby I honestly thought I finally found my road to a full recovery from this disorder. I sincerely assumed that I'd be free at last. Due to my overwhelming love for my baby growing inside my womb, I made a commitment for the first time in my life to continuously go through months eating like a normal person. Of course, I'd ask my husband to hide the scale from me, consciously ignore the mirrors, avoid cameras so that my problems wont be triggered.

During my prenatal check ups the doctor's secretary was considerate enough not to show me my current weight and not mention anything about it. My doctor was also aware of my history so she was also very careful not to reveal any weight related details to me. I truly felt happy during that time in my life. Until the day, I went into labor. I tried to deliver my baby normally going through 26 hours of hellish labor pains. But unfortunately due to the long term abuse my body had endured my heart gave in and I flat lined during labor. So the doctors had no choice but to perform an emergency c-section in an attempt to save both me and my baby. Fortunately, my baby and I was able to survive this ordeal and came out without any problem whatsoever.

But the day when I was about to be discharged. A stupid nurse handed me a copy of my surgical report. There I saw my weight (it's the first thing that I noticed). I was 183 lbs before I gave birth! Prior to my pregnancy I only weighed 103 lbs at 5 feet 3 inches. I gained 80 lbs. That number started haunting me day and night. I could hear those dreaded hushes and voices telling me not to eat anymore. To make the long story short. I managed to lose more than the weight I gained in just 6 months I dropped down to 98 lbs. That unfortunately was accomplished by self starvation.

2 days after my daughter's first birthday. I fell unconscious inside the bathroom after throwing up chunks and chunks of blood. My husband was able to discover me and rushed me to a nearby ER where I was treated for dehydration, gastric problems, low blood sugars, and malnutrition. I was so ashamed of myself and after I got out, I promised my husband and myself that I will get better.

I did and I got pregnant again with my 2nd baby. I gave birth to a healthy baby boy on April 2009 and I gained another 80 lbs from the whole pregnancy. Fast forward, 6 months later which is right now I have already lost 65 lbs from that 80 lbs. And once again I'm doing this by starving myself. I'm trapped in this vicious cycle. I need to quiet down this voice that tells me I can't eat. I have to win this battle for GOOD. I need absolute recovery if not for me but for my loved ones!

I am extremely scared that I might just drop dead one day and leave my family behind. But how will I keep on fighting this DEMON? Can't I be rid of this completely? What if I lose... What if I can't fight this battle any longer...