Entry #6 Redemption

October 25, 2009.

After I relapsed and had a crazy moment yesterday. I managed to force myself back to my recovery today. There wasn't much that happened today. I just ditched my cousin's son birthday party because obviously my mom would be there plus my grandmother. And I can't handle anymore setbacks... Oh had I mentioned that my grandmother can do more damage on that department. Maybe you wont be able to understand their mindsets, but they sincerely meant good. Obviously typical Chinese girls are BORN and BLESSED with naturally petite figures. Unfortunately, I'm not one of them. I have a bigger bone structure, meaning broad shoulders blah blah. In other words, I don't exactly fit the mold of what they so call "beautiful".

Oh also Chinese girls at least us who are born in an old fashioned conservative families are expected to be martyrs to their husbands. Meaning when your husband fools around etc. that would be on you. So you have to be at your best all the time. My grandfather had 2 wives, my grandmother and some younger slutty woman. Anyways, despite all that my grandmother didn't leave my grandfather nor did she complain. As a matter of fact when we were younger, we used to live in a house where there's literally a small bridge connecting to the house of the 2nd family. Funny but it's TRUE! And of course who would the grandfather favor more? You know the story and the issue of my dad and his siblings being abused by the "other" mom. They were treated like slaves etc etc I won't go into the "boo-hoo" details anymore. But my mom was fortunate enough to have married my dad who was ever loyal, hardworking etc. He's what you call the perfect man/husband. Obviously he's a rare breed and my grandmother and mom can't help but worry for me all the time. Despite the fact that my husband loves me dearly and is nothing but loyal to me. So deep inside they meant good. The just don't understand the concept of ED nor do they believe such a thing exists. They just love me too much to see me get hurt. So for them they're doing me a favor my telling me the "harsh truth".

However, since I was able to ditch them. I managed to eat today. I wouldn't lie it was a huge struggle and it wasn't easy like the last time. But I made myself do it this time I used my daughter as a motivation for me to eat. I let her sit beside me and we ate lunch together. for lunch I had 2 chicken again. And then for dinner I had "kikiams" and a bowl of clear chicken soup. Plus I had 2 "kutsinta" (Egg pastry) for dessert. I hid inside the bathroom and cried after each meal. But I managed not to hurt myself nor purge. I just cried it out but stayed focused. So all in all, I think I did well on the eating department. I'm just not sure with the mental psychological part. But I'll just take one day at a time for now. Too much to handle for now...

Mood: numb