Entry #3 A Little Progress

I started the day determined to be BETTER! My daily routine would involve me weighing in first thing in the morning. Today when I woke up at 10:30am, I went directly to the bathroom and pushed aside the scale. I brushed my teeth washed my face and greeted my daughter with a very lively "Good Morning". She kissed me and gave me a hug which made me feel even more confident in braving this day. Then I went to my son's room finding him wide awake playing with his nanny. He "coooed" and smiled upon seeing me enter the room. He was waddling his hands about as if he wanted me to hold him. So I held him in my arms and kissed him. My babies are my source of strength they keep me from succumbing and surrendering to ED.

It was almost noon so I went downstairs and headed to the dining table examining the foods that were prepared. There were too many foods, but I still can't make myself eat any of them. Then I saw the bananas, I grabbed one and decided that it would be my lunch for the day. It was then when I finally decided to publish the first 2 entries I have composed in my draft.

Then my husband and I left the house to go to Manila. I wasn't really supposed to go but I accidentally purchased a defective speaker the other day and I need to replace the unit to the vendor.

When we reached Manila, my hubby dropped me off near 168 Shopping Mall and then he headed directly to his office. Inside 168, the whole place was extremely crowded with people. They might be the so called x-mas shoppers. I got pushed and bumped around like a pin ball while I was trying to reach the store where I got the speaker the other day. The store owner was nice enough to immediately replace my item without any trouble at all.

Then it occurred to me that my son's 1st birthday is coming up already. So I felt like I might as well scout the mall for something to giveaway on his party. After walking for too long. I could literally feel and hear my heart beating out off my chest already. I started having cold sweats and feeling light headed so I rushed to the 3rd floor of the mall where the food court was located. I found myself a seat to rest on for a bit and I actually planned to buy something to eat after I feel better.

So when I felt better, I stood up and walked around the food court trying to decide what should I eat. But for every single food I see that dark voice inside me would be able to talk me out of buying it. Finally my hubby finished his work for the day and called my mobile telling me to wait outside the mall so he can pick me up. So I just left the mall empty handed. It only took him a few minutes to reach the mall since it's really near his office. I got in the car and he looked at me and made a comment about how pale I looked. He suggested maybe we should eat first before heading home. I didn't reply. Because I have no idea about what I want anymore. In Ongpin (Chinatown) finding a parking place was really a challenge so he said we might as well just leave and head home.

I felt bad for feeling relieved that I wouldn't have to worry about forcing myself to eat. I just can't do it today. I can't explain it but I just can't. Since I was really exhausted I fell asleep inside the car then I felt the car stopped. I opened my eyes and to my surprise my hubby parked in front of KFC near the temple we go to. He said let's have a little snack before we go to the temple, maybe you'd find peace from there. As helpless as I felt I still followed him inside the fast food. He asked me what I wanted to eat but I just told him to get whatever he felt like eating. When he returned with the food I saw 2 plates both with 2pcs of chicken on them. He handed me one even adding "I remembered to tell them not to give you wing parts, I know how much you hate them". I might be shallow but upon hearing that I felt the courage to lift up the fork and I started digging into my chicken. At that moment, I kept my mind blank and just focused on stuffing my mouth with food one bite after another. To my amazement I was able to consume the 2pcs of chicken on my plate. Of course I left the rice behind. But still I ate!

Then he finally drove us to the temple we go to just as he promised. There I thanked and prayed for good health, good fortune, and safety for our whole family. I felt so peaceful that I wasn't even obsessing about the fact that I just consumed the chickens. I wasn't even being haunted by my demons!

So for today, I had consume the ff:
1 banana.
2 pcs Kentucky fried chicken (1 breast part, 1 leg part) both with skin on them.
1 can of orange soda.
3 liters of H2O

This may seem like nothing to others but trust me it's PROGRESS! The first step has always been the hardest to make. I'm confident that tomorrow I will be another step closer towards my recovery.