Entry #8 I will be strong... But I'm not.

So I haven't posted the past few days. A lot of things had happened. First it sort of started great with Halloween and my daughter winning first price for her costume in the village (I'll post their pic below). Then only a day after I had to fire my daughter's nanny for 1 year due to her incapability to get along with other people (war freak). I pretend that it's OK but it isn't, since now I'm 2 help short and I'd spent a year with that person. I'm made of flesh and blood, I still feel sad and misses her in a way.
One thing you should know about me is that I am very capable of putting on a brave and happy facade but deep inside I'm breaking. Nobody would suspect I have any problems since I'd mastered the art of smiling through my pain and laughing through my troubles. The only thing they notice with me lately is that I'm losing weight. Oh yes, I am losing weight. And I can cover it up by saying I'm on a diet and I need to loose some more excessive pregnancy weight. No one would even follow up or make a fuss about it. I am embarrassed and ashamed to say that I lied to my friends and my husband. Yes I know my best friend might read this, which I hope you would so that you can smack me in the head and shout at me for lying. So what did I lie about? This is funny despite the obvious weight loss I'm having I would still claim that the scale isn't moving. AHAHAHAHA sorry you buy that shit. The truth is I've not weighed myself for a while now. Partly because I want to recover and I don't want to be bothered by numbers. And another part of me refuses to look at it and admit that I am failing in recovery miserably.
There would be days, that I wont eat at all. Then sometimes when the day started well I would but obviously not enough. I think I'm spiraling downwards and I'm losing the battle. I try to stay positive and remind myself of my kids. But it's harder... HARDER than anyone can imagine. Some people might decide to go ahead and judge us by saying you can just easily choose to eat and be over it. Sorry to burst your bubbles it's not as easy as you think. I've resorted to a lot of things in order to make or rather force myself to eat. I have 3 mobile phones.. for those who doesn't know that info.. Anyways I managed to set up 3 different alarms for each phone for every meal. Each would play a recording my daughter saying "Time to eat Mommy! Yummy food". Of course sometimes it'd work, when I'm not in that dark place where I'm struggling and fighting off that annoying demon. Anyways sometimes when I finish fighting "it" off hours would have gone by. And I'd be too tired and drained to even eat. I'd rather sleep and convince myself that I'd just eat tomorrow. Of course that's the ED talking justifying another stupid excuse.
The best I can do is eat a decent meal in a day mind you ONE decent meal, that's it! And during my bad moments of course I don't eat at all. I survive with water water H2O. I hate myself and so embarrassed and I feel so helpless all at the same time. Funny really all I can do is complain, cry, complain, and cry some more. Why can't I do something about it. Well I'm trying to do something about it. Just not working. I need to be better it's not just about me anymore. Until when should I go through this hell. Sometimes it'd feel like the only way out would be if I'd be gone permanently.. Maybe life would be better without me in it. That's obviously insane and selfish.. I'm just saying.

The daughter



The son



Belated Happy Halloween everyone!