Entry #9 I Am Not A Victim

Hey guys!

It's been a while since I posted something here. But anyways here's an update on how I'm doing and what happened that last few weeks I wasn't writing.

Currently I'm doing great, I feel happy, grateful and shallow (but in a good way). I'm eating regularly now and had been restricting free for 2 weeks now. My daily diet is composed of 8 bowls of yummy oatmeals in different flavors, 2 snacks (sometimes chips or cookies), some meats (chicken, pork or seafoods), oh and I reward myself with desserts every other day like ice cream or cake yummy. Ok before all these things happened we need to do a little flashback on what happened prior to my current success.

Obviously I hit rock bottom first before coming to my senses. I went to my gastro doctor for an endoscopy to check my insides. Remember the involuntary vomiting incident. Anyways I went in for a supposedly routine check up just to see what's going on in there. Then after that ughh dreadful procedure, I chose not to be sedated but to have that numbing throat spray instead. Why? Because I need to drive home afterwards lolz. So then after the procedure the doctor talked to me and showed me a playback of the scope's journey down my insides. Then he pointed to some weird growth that he took sample of, so obviously I asked what it is. He used the I don't wanna scare you speech but it might be cancer. He told me not to think about it and wait for the pathology result. YEAH RIGHT! Who wouldn't panic?! And think of all the worst scenarios? So I looked really pale when I got home I decided not to tell my husband what the doctor said. Since I know he would panic more than I would and I wanted to get the results back first. But I was really terrified so I talked to Rache a friend I met from WBB. She told me that it's better for me to share and tell my husband how I feel. I was convinced and decided that he had the right to know what was going on. So I told him the next morning. He just walked out and he didn't come home for a few days. I thought he left me for good.

Despite being so so so rock bottom depressed and helpless. I forced myself to eat 3 full meal everyday. I need to do this because I felt now that I'm all alone I need to be stronger for my kids. There's no longer room for self pity. This is about survival. As much I wanted to just curl up on my bed and not move until I just vanish miraculously. I pushed myself with all the strength I have left in me. So the judgment day came. I drove alone to the hospital to get my results back. But to my surprise my husband was already there waiting for me. He apologized obviously and explained that he just needed to clear his head. I was greatly relieved still scared though. So the secretary handed me the dreadful envelope with the result in it. My husband held my hand and told me it's ok after all it's for better or for worse he say. I know cheesy but I cried. Tada so it turned out to be just a benign tumor after all. THANKS A LOT! Whew! I dodged that bullet.

So my husband being the ever so religious and hard core Buddhist. He immediately called up the travel agency and booked us both a trip to Nanhai, China. It's a sacred place where the temples are known to be most miraculous. He wanted us to go there to give thanks and pray for good fortune and good health and our family's safety. He was just so happy so am I of course. So we went there from Nov. 22 - Nov 25. I'll post some pictures below. :) It was great we climbed mountains to get to different temples the only downside to it was during the "pilgrimage" you need to be on a strict vegetarian diet. Climbing mountains and vegetarian diet err not a good combo. You get hungry really fast. All you can think about is when your next meal will be lolz.

I felt like a normal happy person during the whole trip I ate like a normal person, laughed like a normal person, I could even smell and taste and see things more clearly now! It used to be so so dull I don't even bother making any effort in appreciating anything. But now it was different... It's like I'm able to "live" again.

So to this very day I'm still happily eating... Refeeding and nourishing my starving body. Oh I droped down to a 105lbs after the trip I'm pretty sure I weighed even less prior that. Who cares about numbers right? I'll be better and I'm hoping really hard this time it's for good. So ANA STAY AWAY!!!!!! I don't need you. You stole too much from me.

Now that I'm well fed I can think so much clearly. I realized that all along I'd been making myself feel like a victim. Convinced that I'm the VICTIM and that I'm helpless, alone and desperate. Oh and I was not to blame I was busy pointing fingers to emphasize that others are at fault. Well newsflash... I'm not a victim, I did this to myself on my own free will. Everything started with me so they should all end with me. I should stop denying my responsibilities and face my obligations so that I can take charge of my life. Nobody can help me unless I want to be helped... And obviously I should also remind myself that I'm doing this not just for the others but primarily for MYSELF! Changes will happen with ME. SO I AM NOT A VICTIM!

Photos from our trip :)