So today feeling specially motivated to face my daily struggles, I started my day. However, this time it's not my brain that wasn't willing to cooperate today it's my body!
I had a rough night. I might have been over zealous and over eager to recover that I read one blog after another last night and when I finally looked up to check the time it's already 8:45am! Talk about obsession, I'm the master. Oh well, so I dragged my sorry butt to bed hoping to get a decent amount of sleep. But with a toddler and a baby, I highly doubt that's possible. Don't get me wrong I'm not complaining. I'm just stating a fact. I love my babies dearly, I can't stop emphasizing that enough. They're what keep me going and my ultimate reason to be better. However sleep deprivation with motherhood is inevitable. Bottom line my daughter decided that @ 11am it's time for mommy to wake up. HAHAHAHA.
So now you'd understand why I feel like a walking zombie today lolz. I seemed oddly happy without sleep though. Must credit that to thenew people I met in WBB. I must say I was overwhelmed and so comforted that there are actually so many people out there who are going through the same thing. They are all so extremely kind and supportive esp. Arielle and Medusa. The 2 people I am most grateful for. For the longest time, I could finally look forward to another day. Because they had given me hope... The hope that I could actually get better.
Anyways since it was too late for breakfast. I went ahead to the dining table to have my lunch. So did I actually eat today? Surprisingly YES! I ignored that little dark voice telling me to just turn around and leave the table. I refused to listen and bravely pulled out a chair. I filled my plate with foods I'm determined to consume for that meal. Those food consisted of 2 servings of pork meat a matchbox size per serving, 3 spoonful of string beans and a big bowl of clear soup. I managed to finish all of them without any trouble. Well actually I had a little help, I called my best friend Tin and stayed on the phone while eating. I did that to keep me distracted. It's rather hard to listen to that small voice when you're actually listening to a real live talking human on the phone. HEHEHE (To ANA, yes I'm playing your game only this time against you! And NO I'm not even remotely sorry for doing that). If you noticed I didn't eat any rice. Well I just can't make myself do that yet. Maybe I would be able to a little later when I'm in my advanced recovery phase. For now, I'll just continue to focus on what I can actually do. I don't want to dwell on those negativity. Just bear with me on this one.
After lunch, I felt so happy felt like another victory on my part. With my confidence sky rocketing. I had extra energy to actually play with my super hyper funny adorable daughter. When I got tired, I held her tightly. I really felt so complete and comforted. Because this time I'm positive that I can stay around for my loved ones. I just have to stay focused and fight this battle with all that I have. I refuse to give this up, I have a perfect life. I'm refuse to throw all of these away for ANA. I can actually make this happen!
Update: I fell asleep after composing this entry in my draft. I just woke up and missed dinner. EXCUSES... Oh well tomorrow will be another day! And I know I'll do better!
So for the day I consumed the ff:
2 matchbox serving of pork.
3 spoonful of string beans.
! big bowl of clear soup.
1 glass of kiwi/cranberry juice.
3 liters of water.
2 yakults (please google this if you dont know what this is)
1 medium size fragrant pear.
2 pcs unsalted crackers.
I know they're still not enough. But the very least the list is a lot longer the the previous one! :)
Mood: Happy! Happy! Happy!
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I just read you blog. You are fighting, but please don't try it alone. I know you said it was hard to find help where you are but look for help. Breaking away is not easy and you will need help.
ReplyDeleteSorry if that's harsh. But Ana is a bad person and will find way's to manipulate you. You might not even know when it's going on but you need to have people that can fight for you, and with you.
I too was heavy - huge in fact, I went on an extreme diet and did the whole food scale, counting stuff and lost the weight, but then found it was hard to start eating again. I know how hard it is to look in the mirror and see you not what you were. Your in for a rough time, but you've got your kids and need to take care of yourself for them. Find some help, Pleaseeeeee!!!!
I know that it's going to be rough. And I'm actually looking for people who can fight with me, support me and understand exactly what I'm going through. I tried reaching out, I tried a lot of things. I know my progress is kinda slow. But I am trying my hardest. Thank you for caring I need to surround myself with people like you. To keep reminding me what I'm fighting for. Keeps me focused and grounded. Please do follow my blog your inputs will be highly beneficial for me.
ReplyDeleteI will do that. And I know it hard to reach out for help. Heck I thought I was being treated for depression. Well sure we're working on that but it from the ED! I had no idea what my therapist was talking about at first. I still think she's going to hit me some time's when I ask, "are sure I've got an eating disorder?".
ReplyDeleteHope your doing well. And remember recover is not just about eating. If it was just food then everyone could do it. It's about trying to get that fork up to your mouth and having to fight your are to make it move. Finding way's to trick it, or just stoping and saying why don't I want to eat this and then countering all the reasons why you dont want to eat.
You can do. Just have faith in you. Be stronger than your ED.