There wasn't really much that happened the past few days. I consciously made an effort to eat but as always not as much as I'm supposed to. Then yesterday afternoon, I met my best friend Tin.
I promised to accompany her to her gown fitting for her cousin's wedding on Nov. 15. At the designer's counter were some boxes of diet pills. And for a while my best friend was actually interested to buy one of those. Afterward, we went to SM North Edsa so that I can purchase candies and treats for the Halloween. There will be kids trick or treating in the village on Thursday. I'm actually quite excited about it and bought several costumes for my daughter to join the contest as well. I hope she'd agree to wear the wig that day.... *crossing fingers*
My brother had documents for me to sign. So he met us at the grocery as well. While I was signing the documents he offered to buy us hot dogs. As always I requested him not to get me the one with the bread. So ended buying me a hot dog on stick with a bottled water. And then he commented of how much bigger I'd become compared to before I got pregnant. He even joked that he would have to anticipate his fiance ballooning in the future as well. For a moment I thought I would affect me and I'd end up not eating the hot dog. But to my surprise, I managed to ignore it and decided to consume the hot dog anyways but I had to strip off the bacon wrapped around it before eating.
When I got home I was too tired so I just laid on my bed checked some mails and then fell asleep. I woke up again at around 11pm obviously because I need to watch over my son from 1130pm to 730am as usual.
@ 10:30 am today I woke up and went downstairs to eat my first ever complete meal. Since I managed to convince myself to try it today. So I got through with it meal with rice, vegetable, meat and soup. It felt good really until, I felt this sharp pain in my stomach. I was curling up on the floor because it really hurt so badly. Then after a few minutes I started feeling sick and started to throw up everything. NOTE: I DIDN'T STICK DOWN A FINGER DOWN MY THROAT OR ANYTHING. I just threw up without doing anything.
I could feel my stomach contracting even though there wasn't any more food left to vomit. My stomach just kept on squeezing and squeezing and I can taste the gastric juice coming out and it burns so badly on it's way up. ARGHH my throat! Then I remembered an article I read on Medusa's site. Something about gastroparesis. It horrified me I was trembling in fear that I might have that.
So I called my doctor and told him what I was experiencing. He then explained that it might just be that my stomach was all of a sudden overwhelmed with the food I ate. Since it was used to living on so little crumbs. He was confident it's not gastroparesis. It somehow comforted me but I felt so worthless!!! I just feel like I am a complete waste of space. And that I don't even deserve to be here! Sometimes I wonder if people around me would be better off without me. And then I remembered what I was fighting for. My family... I can't be selfish and give up this easily. I must continue to fight.... I just know I must.... hopefully the I can part will come afterwards.
Mood: Feeling worthless, lonely, and helpless
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Entry #6 Redemption
October 25, 2009.
After I relapsed and had a crazy moment yesterday. I managed to force myself back to my recovery today. There wasn't much that happened today. I just ditched my cousin's son birthday party because obviously my mom would be there plus my grandmother. And I can't handle anymore setbacks... Oh had I mentioned that my grandmother can do more damage on that department. Maybe you wont be able to understand their mindsets, but they sincerely meant good. Obviously typical Chinese girls are BORN and BLESSED with naturally petite figures. Unfortunately, I'm not one of them. I have a bigger bone structure, meaning broad shoulders blah blah. In other words, I don't exactly fit the mold of what they so call "beautiful".
Oh also Chinese girls at least us who are born in an old fashioned conservative families are expected to be martyrs to their husbands. Meaning when your husband fools around etc. that would be on you. So you have to be at your best all the time. My grandfather had 2 wives, my grandmother and some younger slutty woman. Anyways, despite all that my grandmother didn't leave my grandfather nor did she complain. As a matter of fact when we were younger, we used to live in a house where there's literally a small bridge connecting to the house of the 2nd family. Funny but it's TRUE! And of course who would the grandfather favor more? You know the story and the issue of my dad and his siblings being abused by the "other" mom. They were treated like slaves etc etc I won't go into the "boo-hoo" details anymore. But my mom was fortunate enough to have married my dad who was ever loyal, hardworking etc. He's what you call the perfect man/husband. Obviously he's a rare breed and my grandmother and mom can't help but worry for me all the time. Despite the fact that my husband loves me dearly and is nothing but loyal to me. So deep inside they meant good. The just don't understand the concept of ED nor do they believe such a thing exists. They just love me too much to see me get hurt. So for them they're doing me a favor my telling me the "harsh truth".
However, since I was able to ditch them. I managed to eat today. I wouldn't lie it was a huge struggle and it wasn't easy like the last time. But I made myself do it this time I used my daughter as a motivation for me to eat. I let her sit beside me and we ate lunch together. for lunch I had 2 chicken again. And then for dinner I had "kikiams" and a bowl of clear chicken soup. Plus I had 2 "kutsinta" (Egg pastry) for dessert. I hid inside the bathroom and cried after each meal. But I managed not to hurt myself nor purge. I just cried it out but stayed focused. So all in all, I think I did well on the eating department. I'm just not sure with the mental psychological part. But I'll just take one day at a time for now. Too much to handle for now...
Mood: numb
After I relapsed and had a crazy moment yesterday. I managed to force myself back to my recovery today. There wasn't much that happened today. I just ditched my cousin's son birthday party because obviously my mom would be there plus my grandmother. And I can't handle anymore setbacks... Oh had I mentioned that my grandmother can do more damage on that department. Maybe you wont be able to understand their mindsets, but they sincerely meant good. Obviously typical Chinese girls are BORN and BLESSED with naturally petite figures. Unfortunately, I'm not one of them. I have a bigger bone structure, meaning broad shoulders blah blah. In other words, I don't exactly fit the mold of what they so call "beautiful".
Oh also Chinese girls at least us who are born in an old fashioned conservative families are expected to be martyrs to their husbands. Meaning when your husband fools around etc. that would be on you. So you have to be at your best all the time. My grandfather had 2 wives, my grandmother and some younger slutty woman. Anyways, despite all that my grandmother didn't leave my grandfather nor did she complain. As a matter of fact when we were younger, we used to live in a house where there's literally a small bridge connecting to the house of the 2nd family. Funny but it's TRUE! And of course who would the grandfather favor more? You know the story and the issue of my dad and his siblings being abused by the "other" mom. They were treated like slaves etc etc I won't go into the "boo-hoo" details anymore. But my mom was fortunate enough to have married my dad who was ever loyal, hardworking etc. He's what you call the perfect man/husband. Obviously he's a rare breed and my grandmother and mom can't help but worry for me all the time. Despite the fact that my husband loves me dearly and is nothing but loyal to me. So deep inside they meant good. The just don't understand the concept of ED nor do they believe such a thing exists. They just love me too much to see me get hurt. So for them they're doing me a favor my telling me the "harsh truth".
However, since I was able to ditch them. I managed to eat today. I wouldn't lie it was a huge struggle and it wasn't easy like the last time. But I made myself do it this time I used my daughter as a motivation for me to eat. I let her sit beside me and we ate lunch together. for lunch I had 2 chicken again. And then for dinner I had "kikiams" and a bowl of clear chicken soup. Plus I had 2 "kutsinta" (Egg pastry) for dessert. I hid inside the bathroom and cried after each meal. But I managed not to hurt myself nor purge. I just cried it out but stayed focused. So all in all, I think I did well on the eating department. I'm just not sure with the mental psychological part. But I'll just take one day at a time for now. Too much to handle for now...
Mood: numb
Entry #5 One Step Forward, One Step Backward
I wasn't able to blog for a day due to 2 major reasons. One is that I was dead tired, Second is that things wasn't well for me and I was too frustrated to even bother blogging.
Here's a short recap of that crazy day. The day started good actually. I was supposed to meet my best friend Tin @ 1am so that we can go to the "Mega Sale" together. I managed to wake up early that day so that I can finish my "maternal duties" before leaving. When I was about to bathe my little boy @11:30am I received a phone call from my mom. She said that they were looking at houses around our vicinity and will drop off something with my dad @ our home. Anyways I hurriedly bathed my son since I have a commitment to attend to after that.
My mom arrived and I was at first really excited to see her and my dad. But the things turned horribly wrong when she started commenting on how big my arms are! She said "Why are your arms still that huge? Aren't you supposed to lose all the weight you've gained already? It's been 6 months? Do you wanna end up looking like me when you get older? (meaning fat)". It was horrible! Say that to someone who has an eating disorder. Thanks a lot. I know she meant well, since given my history I am not blessed with being naturally skinny like the other typical ASIAN girls! I have bigger frames thus I need to lose all the fats around it, just in order to fit in what they so call the "NORM". She went on poking and pinching me. Then finally she said "I know what we'll do, We can go to Belo and have SMARTLIPO together clearly you need it as well". FYI, news flash I'm not even fat! Currently I stand 5'3 and weigh 112 lbs so that gives me a BMI of 19.8. That's supposed to be considered a normal weight but I would usually weigh 98-103lbs without all the pregnancy weights. But recap I gained 80+lbs only 6 mos ago!
Obviously I haven't had breakfast nor lunch yet. I just went straight to the shower and headed off to meet my friend. I met Tin @ 1:30pm, she wanted to have lunch first before heading to the sale. But unfortunately there were no parking spaces to be found nearby so I suggested maybe we could go straight to the sale and grab something on the way there. We got there and there were food stalls outside the tent. We attempted to grab drinks before going inside. However the long line plus the extreme heat of the sun discouraged us so we just went ahead to the tent empty handed. We spent hours in there. But as we were trying on dresses I started to feel weak and lightheaded, my mouth was dry and I was barely catching my breath. I decided to tell Tin how I'm feeling. It feels like I'm gonna collapse any minute due to extreme dehydration. We paid for our stuffs and headed to the nearest Starbucks at Metrowalk.
@ Starbucks, I ordered a grande caramel affogato (which is blended creme topped with an espresso shot) Tin ordered some green tea latte with soy something (I can't recall lolz). So we sat there and grabbed some magazines and started drinking our beverages. It was really good, I told her that we should do that more often since I barely go out anymore. We then started browsing magazines and gossiping. But what she didn't know is that while I was flipping through the pages and seeing all those skinny models on the prints made my mom's earliest comment playback over and over in my head. I'm really a master of this charade since my best friend beside me didn't even suspect a thing. I was starting to be drawn back to that dark place where self hate and all things negatives dwell. We finally headed home and since she was obviously starving, we ate @ home before I dropped her off the nearest train station. I only consumed a block of tofu and some vegetable bites plus a half bowl of clear soup because I'm well aware of how much calories was I able to consume during that Starbucks break.
When I returned home and started taking off my clothes to change into my pjs. I stared at the mirror and saw my horrible reflection. There I can see all the fats my mom was referring to and pinching earlier and of course ANA was there to make me hate myself even more. I started crying and started banging my head against the wall, I just couldn't take it anymore I hated myself. Just when I was starting to recover there I was hating myself again! Then I saw the package opener we purchased earlier. To make things worse, I started cutting myself with it. I cut my fingers then my hands then the pain wasn't enough i started slashing my stomach with it over and over! The cuts weren't deep they're just very shallow that there were just minimal blood. But at that moment I was horribly seeking pain towards myself and I grabbed a bottle of 70% alcohol and poured it over the wounds over and over. I felt disgusted, frustrated, desperate etc etc.
And then, my daughter started banging on the bathroom door shouting she needs to use the potty. Lucky for me, that drew me back to sanity. I put on my clothes and opened the door for her. Then she stared at me confused and said "mommy cry?". I felt so ashamed of myself! How could I've been so selfish! I have 2 kids now!!! What in the world was I thinking?! They need me and I'm so weak and pathetic.
Here are some photos so that you can relate.
This was me April of 2009 prior to giving birth to my son.
This was me October 24, 2009 self destructing inside the bathroom.
Mood: Ashamed
Here's a short recap of that crazy day. The day started good actually. I was supposed to meet my best friend Tin @ 1am so that we can go to the "Mega Sale" together. I managed to wake up early that day so that I can finish my "maternal duties" before leaving. When I was about to bathe my little boy @11:30am I received a phone call from my mom. She said that they were looking at houses around our vicinity and will drop off something with my dad @ our home. Anyways I hurriedly bathed my son since I have a commitment to attend to after that.
My mom arrived and I was at first really excited to see her and my dad. But the things turned horribly wrong when she started commenting on how big my arms are! She said "Why are your arms still that huge? Aren't you supposed to lose all the weight you've gained already? It's been 6 months? Do you wanna end up looking like me when you get older? (meaning fat)". It was horrible! Say that to someone who has an eating disorder. Thanks a lot. I know she meant well, since given my history I am not blessed with being naturally skinny like the other typical ASIAN girls! I have bigger frames thus I need to lose all the fats around it, just in order to fit in what they so call the "NORM". She went on poking and pinching me. Then finally she said "I know what we'll do, We can go to Belo and have SMARTLIPO together clearly you need it as well". FYI, news flash I'm not even fat! Currently I stand 5'3 and weigh 112 lbs so that gives me a BMI of 19.8. That's supposed to be considered a normal weight but I would usually weigh 98-103lbs without all the pregnancy weights. But recap I gained 80+lbs only 6 mos ago!
Obviously I haven't had breakfast nor lunch yet. I just went straight to the shower and headed off to meet my friend. I met Tin @ 1:30pm, she wanted to have lunch first before heading to the sale. But unfortunately there were no parking spaces to be found nearby so I suggested maybe we could go straight to the sale and grab something on the way there. We got there and there were food stalls outside the tent. We attempted to grab drinks before going inside. However the long line plus the extreme heat of the sun discouraged us so we just went ahead to the tent empty handed. We spent hours in there. But as we were trying on dresses I started to feel weak and lightheaded, my mouth was dry and I was barely catching my breath. I decided to tell Tin how I'm feeling. It feels like I'm gonna collapse any minute due to extreme dehydration. We paid for our stuffs and headed to the nearest Starbucks at Metrowalk.
@ Starbucks, I ordered a grande caramel affogato (which is blended creme topped with an espresso shot) Tin ordered some green tea latte with soy something (I can't recall lolz). So we sat there and grabbed some magazines and started drinking our beverages. It was really good, I told her that we should do that more often since I barely go out anymore. We then started browsing magazines and gossiping. But what she didn't know is that while I was flipping through the pages and seeing all those skinny models on the prints made my mom's earliest comment playback over and over in my head. I'm really a master of this charade since my best friend beside me didn't even suspect a thing. I was starting to be drawn back to that dark place where self hate and all things negatives dwell. We finally headed home and since she was obviously starving, we ate @ home before I dropped her off the nearest train station. I only consumed a block of tofu and some vegetable bites plus a half bowl of clear soup because I'm well aware of how much calories was I able to consume during that Starbucks break.
When I returned home and started taking off my clothes to change into my pjs. I stared at the mirror and saw my horrible reflection. There I can see all the fats my mom was referring to and pinching earlier and of course ANA was there to make me hate myself even more. I started crying and started banging my head against the wall, I just couldn't take it anymore I hated myself. Just when I was starting to recover there I was hating myself again! Then I saw the package opener we purchased earlier. To make things worse, I started cutting myself with it. I cut my fingers then my hands then the pain wasn't enough i started slashing my stomach with it over and over! The cuts weren't deep they're just very shallow that there were just minimal blood. But at that moment I was horribly seeking pain towards myself and I grabbed a bottle of 70% alcohol and poured it over the wounds over and over. I felt disgusted, frustrated, desperate etc etc.
And then, my daughter started banging on the bathroom door shouting she needs to use the potty. Lucky for me, that drew me back to sanity. I put on my clothes and opened the door for her. Then she stared at me confused and said "mommy cry?". I felt so ashamed of myself! How could I've been so selfish! I have 2 kids now!!! What in the world was I thinking?! They need me and I'm so weak and pathetic.
Here are some photos so that you can relate.
This was me April of 2009 prior to giving birth to my son.
This was me October 24, 2009 self destructing inside the bathroom.
Mood: Ashamed
Friday, October 23, 2009
Entry #4 Excuses, Excuses, Excuses....
So today feeling specially motivated to face my daily struggles, I started my day. However, this time it's not my brain that wasn't willing to cooperate today it's my body!
I had a rough night. I might have been over zealous and over eager to recover that I read one blog after another last night and when I finally looked up to check the time it's already 8:45am! Talk about obsession, I'm the master. Oh well, so I dragged my sorry butt to bed hoping to get a decent amount of sleep. But with a toddler and a baby, I highly doubt that's possible. Don't get me wrong I'm not complaining. I'm just stating a fact. I love my babies dearly, I can't stop emphasizing that enough. They're what keep me going and my ultimate reason to be better. However sleep deprivation with motherhood is inevitable. Bottom line my daughter decided that @ 11am it's time for mommy to wake up. HAHAHAHA.
So now you'd understand why I feel like a walking zombie today lolz. I seemed oddly happy without sleep though. Must credit that to thenew people I met in WBB. I must say I was overwhelmed and so comforted that there are actually so many people out there who are going through the same thing. They are all so extremely kind and supportive esp. Arielle and Medusa. The 2 people I am most grateful for. For the longest time, I could finally look forward to another day. Because they had given me hope... The hope that I could actually get better.
Anyways since it was too late for breakfast. I went ahead to the dining table to have my lunch. So did I actually eat today? Surprisingly YES! I ignored that little dark voice telling me to just turn around and leave the table. I refused to listen and bravely pulled out a chair. I filled my plate with foods I'm determined to consume for that meal. Those food consisted of 2 servings of pork meat a matchbox size per serving, 3 spoonful of string beans and a big bowl of clear soup. I managed to finish all of them without any trouble. Well actually I had a little help, I called my best friend Tin and stayed on the phone while eating. I did that to keep me distracted. It's rather hard to listen to that small voice when you're actually listening to a real live talking human on the phone. HEHEHE (To ANA, yes I'm playing your game only this time against you! And NO I'm not even remotely sorry for doing that). If you noticed I didn't eat any rice. Well I just can't make myself do that yet. Maybe I would be able to a little later when I'm in my advanced recovery phase. For now, I'll just continue to focus on what I can actually do. I don't want to dwell on those negativity. Just bear with me on this one.
After lunch, I felt so happy felt like another victory on my part. With my confidence sky rocketing. I had extra energy to actually play with my super hyper funny adorable daughter. When I got tired, I held her tightly. I really felt so complete and comforted. Because this time I'm positive that I can stay around for my loved ones. I just have to stay focused and fight this battle with all that I have. I refuse to give this up, I have a perfect life. I'm refuse to throw all of these away for ANA. I can actually make this happen!
Update: I fell asleep after composing this entry in my draft. I just woke up and missed dinner. EXCUSES... Oh well tomorrow will be another day! And I know I'll do better!
So for the day I consumed the ff:
2 matchbox serving of pork.
3 spoonful of string beans.
! big bowl of clear soup.
1 glass of kiwi/cranberry juice.
3 liters of water.
2 yakults (please google this if you dont know what this is)
1 medium size fragrant pear.
2 pcs unsalted crackers.
I know they're still not enough. But the very least the list is a lot longer the the previous one! :)
Mood: Happy! Happy! Happy!
I had a rough night. I might have been over zealous and over eager to recover that I read one blog after another last night and when I finally looked up to check the time it's already 8:45am! Talk about obsession, I'm the master. Oh well, so I dragged my sorry butt to bed hoping to get a decent amount of sleep. But with a toddler and a baby, I highly doubt that's possible. Don't get me wrong I'm not complaining. I'm just stating a fact. I love my babies dearly, I can't stop emphasizing that enough. They're what keep me going and my ultimate reason to be better. However sleep deprivation with motherhood is inevitable. Bottom line my daughter decided that @ 11am it's time for mommy to wake up. HAHAHAHA.
So now you'd understand why I feel like a walking zombie today lolz. I seemed oddly happy without sleep though. Must credit that to thenew people I met in WBB. I must say I was overwhelmed and so comforted that there are actually so many people out there who are going through the same thing. They are all so extremely kind and supportive esp. Arielle and Medusa. The 2 people I am most grateful for. For the longest time, I could finally look forward to another day. Because they had given me hope... The hope that I could actually get better.
Anyways since it was too late for breakfast. I went ahead to the dining table to have my lunch. So did I actually eat today? Surprisingly YES! I ignored that little dark voice telling me to just turn around and leave the table. I refused to listen and bravely pulled out a chair. I filled my plate with foods I'm determined to consume for that meal. Those food consisted of 2 servings of pork meat a matchbox size per serving, 3 spoonful of string beans and a big bowl of clear soup. I managed to finish all of them without any trouble. Well actually I had a little help, I called my best friend Tin and stayed on the phone while eating. I did that to keep me distracted. It's rather hard to listen to that small voice when you're actually listening to a real live talking human on the phone. HEHEHE (To ANA, yes I'm playing your game only this time against you! And NO I'm not even remotely sorry for doing that). If you noticed I didn't eat any rice. Well I just can't make myself do that yet. Maybe I would be able to a little later when I'm in my advanced recovery phase. For now, I'll just continue to focus on what I can actually do. I don't want to dwell on those negativity. Just bear with me on this one.
After lunch, I felt so happy felt like another victory on my part. With my confidence sky rocketing. I had extra energy to actually play with my super hyper funny adorable daughter. When I got tired, I held her tightly. I really felt so complete and comforted. Because this time I'm positive that I can stay around for my loved ones. I just have to stay focused and fight this battle with all that I have. I refuse to give this up, I have a perfect life. I'm refuse to throw all of these away for ANA. I can actually make this happen!
Update: I fell asleep after composing this entry in my draft. I just woke up and missed dinner. EXCUSES... Oh well tomorrow will be another day! And I know I'll do better!
So for the day I consumed the ff:
2 matchbox serving of pork.
3 spoonful of string beans.
! big bowl of clear soup.
1 glass of kiwi/cranberry juice.
3 liters of water.
2 yakults (please google this if you dont know what this is)
1 medium size fragrant pear.
2 pcs unsalted crackers.
I know they're still not enough. But the very least the list is a lot longer the the previous one! :)
Mood: Happy! Happy! Happy!
Entry #3 A Little Progress
I started the day determined to be BETTER! My daily routine would involve me weighing in first thing in the morning. Today when I woke up at 10:30am, I went directly to the bathroom and pushed aside the scale. I brushed my teeth washed my face and greeted my daughter with a very lively "Good Morning". She kissed me and gave me a hug which made me feel even more confident in braving this day. Then I went to my son's room finding him wide awake playing with his nanny. He "coooed" and smiled upon seeing me enter the room. He was waddling his hands about as if he wanted me to hold him. So I held him in my arms and kissed him. My babies are my source of strength they keep me from succumbing and surrendering to ED.
It was almost noon so I went downstairs and headed to the dining table examining the foods that were prepared. There were too many foods, but I still can't make myself eat any of them. Then I saw the bananas, I grabbed one and decided that it would be my lunch for the day. It was then when I finally decided to publish the first 2 entries I have composed in my draft.
Then my husband and I left the house to go to Manila. I wasn't really supposed to go but I accidentally purchased a defective speaker the other day and I need to replace the unit to the vendor.
When we reached Manila, my hubby dropped me off near 168 Shopping Mall and then he headed directly to his office. Inside 168, the whole place was extremely crowded with people. They might be the so called x-mas shoppers. I got pushed and bumped around like a pin ball while I was trying to reach the store where I got the speaker the other day. The store owner was nice enough to immediately replace my item without any trouble at all.
Then it occurred to me that my son's 1st birthday is coming up already. So I felt like I might as well scout the mall for something to giveaway on his party. After walking for too long. I could literally feel and hear my heart beating out off my chest already. I started having cold sweats and feeling light headed so I rushed to the 3rd floor of the mall where the food court was located. I found myself a seat to rest on for a bit and I actually planned to buy something to eat after I feel better.
So when I felt better, I stood up and walked around the food court trying to decide what should I eat. But for every single food I see that dark voice inside me would be able to talk me out of buying it. Finally my hubby finished his work for the day and called my mobile telling me to wait outside the mall so he can pick me up. So I just left the mall empty handed. It only took him a few minutes to reach the mall since it's really near his office. I got in the car and he looked at me and made a comment about how pale I looked. He suggested maybe we should eat first before heading home. I didn't reply. Because I have no idea about what I want anymore. In Ongpin (Chinatown) finding a parking place was really a challenge so he said we might as well just leave and head home.
I felt bad for feeling relieved that I wouldn't have to worry about forcing myself to eat. I just can't do it today. I can't explain it but I just can't. Since I was really exhausted I fell asleep inside the car then I felt the car stopped. I opened my eyes and to my surprise my hubby parked in front of KFC near the temple we go to. He said let's have a little snack before we go to the temple, maybe you'd find peace from there. As helpless as I felt I still followed him inside the fast food. He asked me what I wanted to eat but I just told him to get whatever he felt like eating. When he returned with the food I saw 2 plates both with 2pcs of chicken on them. He handed me one even adding "I remembered to tell them not to give you wing parts, I know how much you hate them". I might be shallow but upon hearing that I felt the courage to lift up the fork and I started digging into my chicken. At that moment, I kept my mind blank and just focused on stuffing my mouth with food one bite after another. To my amazement I was able to consume the 2pcs of chicken on my plate. Of course I left the rice behind. But still I ate!
Then he finally drove us to the temple we go to just as he promised. There I thanked and prayed for good health, good fortune, and safety for our whole family. I felt so peaceful that I wasn't even obsessing about the fact that I just consumed the chickens. I wasn't even being haunted by my demons!
So for today, I had consume the ff:
1 banana.
2 pcs Kentucky fried chicken (1 breast part, 1 leg part) both with skin on them.
1 can of orange soda.
3 liters of H2O
This may seem like nothing to others but trust me it's PROGRESS! The first step has always been the hardest to make. I'm confident that tomorrow I will be another step closer towards my recovery.
It was almost noon so I went downstairs and headed to the dining table examining the foods that were prepared. There were too many foods, but I still can't make myself eat any of them. Then I saw the bananas, I grabbed one and decided that it would be my lunch for the day. It was then when I finally decided to publish the first 2 entries I have composed in my draft.
Then my husband and I left the house to go to Manila. I wasn't really supposed to go but I accidentally purchased a defective speaker the other day and I need to replace the unit to the vendor.
When we reached Manila, my hubby dropped me off near 168 Shopping Mall and then he headed directly to his office. Inside 168, the whole place was extremely crowded with people. They might be the so called x-mas shoppers. I got pushed and bumped around like a pin ball while I was trying to reach the store where I got the speaker the other day. The store owner was nice enough to immediately replace my item without any trouble at all.
Then it occurred to me that my son's 1st birthday is coming up already. So I felt like I might as well scout the mall for something to giveaway on his party. After walking for too long. I could literally feel and hear my heart beating out off my chest already. I started having cold sweats and feeling light headed so I rushed to the 3rd floor of the mall where the food court was located. I found myself a seat to rest on for a bit and I actually planned to buy something to eat after I feel better.
So when I felt better, I stood up and walked around the food court trying to decide what should I eat. But for every single food I see that dark voice inside me would be able to talk me out of buying it. Finally my hubby finished his work for the day and called my mobile telling me to wait outside the mall so he can pick me up. So I just left the mall empty handed. It only took him a few minutes to reach the mall since it's really near his office. I got in the car and he looked at me and made a comment about how pale I looked. He suggested maybe we should eat first before heading home. I didn't reply. Because I have no idea about what I want anymore. In Ongpin (Chinatown) finding a parking place was really a challenge so he said we might as well just leave and head home.
I felt bad for feeling relieved that I wouldn't have to worry about forcing myself to eat. I just can't do it today. I can't explain it but I just can't. Since I was really exhausted I fell asleep inside the car then I felt the car stopped. I opened my eyes and to my surprise my hubby parked in front of KFC near the temple we go to. He said let's have a little snack before we go to the temple, maybe you'd find peace from there. As helpless as I felt I still followed him inside the fast food. He asked me what I wanted to eat but I just told him to get whatever he felt like eating. When he returned with the food I saw 2 plates both with 2pcs of chicken on them. He handed me one even adding "I remembered to tell them not to give you wing parts, I know how much you hate them". I might be shallow but upon hearing that I felt the courage to lift up the fork and I started digging into my chicken. At that moment, I kept my mind blank and just focused on stuffing my mouth with food one bite after another. To my amazement I was able to consume the 2pcs of chicken on my plate. Of course I left the rice behind. But still I ate!
Then he finally drove us to the temple we go to just as he promised. There I thanked and prayed for good health, good fortune, and safety for our whole family. I felt so peaceful that I wasn't even obsessing about the fact that I just consumed the chickens. I wasn't even being haunted by my demons!
So for today, I had consume the ff:
1 banana.
2 pcs Kentucky fried chicken (1 breast part, 1 leg part) both with skin on them.
1 can of orange soda.
3 liters of H2O
This may seem like nothing to others but trust me it's PROGRESS! The first step has always been the hardest to make. I'm confident that tomorrow I will be another step closer towards my recovery.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Entry #2 Brief History
So how did it all began? I was overweight as a child. My family even my parents are repulsed by the way I look. I am the middle child, I have 4 other siblings (3 brothers 1 sister). When we were younger, I would always be compared to my sister who's a year younger than me. Emphasizing how much prettier she is, better etc. At a very young age, I've already been made aware of the fact that I'm the ugliest among all of us. Even far relatives would make mean side comments about it. Oh and of course, classmates and peers are not even remotely forgiving for obvious reasons. As a matter of fact they've been far worse.
I had a rough childhood. Often times I would just pretend to ignore those horrible taunting. Then I would decide to rebel by resuming to over eat (just to prove that I'm not affected). But the truth is that it did hurt and it had a huge impact on my life that I'd be living with the consequences until this very day. I had 0 confidence 0 self esteem.
I tried to compensate my physical shortcomings by over achieving academically. I'd manage to be an honor student all through out my school life.
At age 14 I fell victim to ANA. I had once and for all decided to face my weight problem. When my Mom saw my dedication, she would offer to enroll me in a fitness center right beside our house. She was really happy that she'd even paid for a lifetime worth of membership for me to use as I please. The nutritionist gave me food plans for the week and gave me a journal where I can document my food intakes everyday. She taught me calorie counting, I had to weigh my food with food scales in an effort to properly document everything. What seemed to be an innocent dieting plan at first would unfortunately make an ugly turn into becoming a breeding ground for ED.
My very first weigh in, I could remember the numbers as if it was yesterday. 165 lbs at 5 feet 2 inches. The nutritionist would shake her head and exclaim "We have a lot of work to do". When I lost my first pound I became so ecstatic, that I kept looking forward to another pound I'd be shedding the next day. I found myself obsessively counting calories and weighing in my food and I would also exercise excessively in an effort to lose more weight. After a while, the scale would stop moving. Then I would become more and more desperate to lose the next pound that I resorted to diet pills, and starvation. It was horribly painful, but I was determined to lose as much weight as I can. After months of this unhealthy habit, I managed to drop down to a mere 100lbs. But it never seemed enough. Every time I'd reach my goal I'd convince myself that dropping another 3 lbs seemed like a brilliant idea.
I would have black out spells. I would go in and out of consciousness. And of course lanugo, that awful looking hair growth in awkward places (it was only lately that I learned what it was called). I didn't even know it was related to my extreme weight loss. I would always feel weak but I could still do my exercise routines I don't even know where I get the energy from. I suffered hair loss and gum bleeding as well. I managed to alienate everyone in my life just to focus on my ultimate goal and that is to weigh less than the last time. As disturbing as it may sound I would spend hours inside the bathroom just admiring the bones sticking out of my skin. I was suffering physically, but I felt empowered mentally. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was in control. I felt like I can do anything. Never will I be that fat girl everyone makes fun of. I'd be known as the thin one, the skinny one. Oh how I loved that idea.
I never really thought it was a problem. Until I hit my lowest weight at 78lbs. There was this doctor that goes to the fitness center whom I'd always encounter. She would finally decide to approach me and talk to me and shared how she felt like I have a problem. That's the first time I've heard of the words anorexia and eating disorder. It was the greatest taboo I've ever heard of. Living in a 3rd world country called Philippines, where a large number of people actually die of hunger and extreme poverty and there I was ironically starving myself by choice.
After that, I decided to do a research on the subject. I was astound that such a disorder does exist. ANA or MIA lurks around and preys on their next unsuspecting victim. It pretends to be your friend the when you least expect it. It sucks out the life in you. Being brought up with a person of strong will that very moment I decided to get better. How naive I was to think that recovery would be easy. I thought that all I had to do is just start stuffing foods in my mouth and start eating again then I'd be miraculously cured! It wasn't the case at all the very first meal I decided I will eat I found myself pushing the foods all around my plate. My arm felt too heavy to lift the fork and feed myself. Then I heard voices, hushing voices telling me how I'd go back to being fat if I start eating again. I kept trying but somehow I just couldn't do it. I stormed out of the table and went to my room crying my heart out. I kept asking myself what have I done? How can I fix this? I don't want to die like those people... I just can't die.
I never had any professional help nor did I had any supports from my family nor friends. ANA isn't really a recognized subject here. Often times people would just judge me whenever I try to share my ordeals and problems. So I had to brave a lonely miserable journey towards recovery. I was out there all alone fending and desperately finding my way. After that first failure I'd be performing numerous more attempts to eat normally. It took me years. It wasn't easy but with a lot of determination I was finally able to slowly recover and eat again. So am I actually cured? I can never really answer that. I feel like I have somehow recovered in a sense but I have not reached absolute recovery. I do recognize my problem. I also consciously make an effort to control it. However as pathetic as it may sound, helplessly I would relapse and face my demons over and over again till this very day.
I had a rough childhood. Often times I would just pretend to ignore those horrible taunting. Then I would decide to rebel by resuming to over eat (just to prove that I'm not affected). But the truth is that it did hurt and it had a huge impact on my life that I'd be living with the consequences until this very day. I had 0 confidence 0 self esteem.
I tried to compensate my physical shortcomings by over achieving academically. I'd manage to be an honor student all through out my school life.
At age 14 I fell victim to ANA. I had once and for all decided to face my weight problem. When my Mom saw my dedication, she would offer to enroll me in a fitness center right beside our house. She was really happy that she'd even paid for a lifetime worth of membership for me to use as I please. The nutritionist gave me food plans for the week and gave me a journal where I can document my food intakes everyday. She taught me calorie counting, I had to weigh my food with food scales in an effort to properly document everything. What seemed to be an innocent dieting plan at first would unfortunately make an ugly turn into becoming a breeding ground for ED.
My very first weigh in, I could remember the numbers as if it was yesterday. 165 lbs at 5 feet 2 inches. The nutritionist would shake her head and exclaim "We have a lot of work to do". When I lost my first pound I became so ecstatic, that I kept looking forward to another pound I'd be shedding the next day. I found myself obsessively counting calories and weighing in my food and I would also exercise excessively in an effort to lose more weight. After a while, the scale would stop moving. Then I would become more and more desperate to lose the next pound that I resorted to diet pills, and starvation. It was horribly painful, but I was determined to lose as much weight as I can. After months of this unhealthy habit, I managed to drop down to a mere 100lbs. But it never seemed enough. Every time I'd reach my goal I'd convince myself that dropping another 3 lbs seemed like a brilliant idea.
I would have black out spells. I would go in and out of consciousness. And of course lanugo, that awful looking hair growth in awkward places (it was only lately that I learned what it was called). I didn't even know it was related to my extreme weight loss. I would always feel weak but I could still do my exercise routines I don't even know where I get the energy from. I suffered hair loss and gum bleeding as well. I managed to alienate everyone in my life just to focus on my ultimate goal and that is to weigh less than the last time. As disturbing as it may sound I would spend hours inside the bathroom just admiring the bones sticking out of my skin. I was suffering physically, but I felt empowered mentally. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was in control. I felt like I can do anything. Never will I be that fat girl everyone makes fun of. I'd be known as the thin one, the skinny one. Oh how I loved that idea.
I never really thought it was a problem. Until I hit my lowest weight at 78lbs. There was this doctor that goes to the fitness center whom I'd always encounter. She would finally decide to approach me and talk to me and shared how she felt like I have a problem. That's the first time I've heard of the words anorexia and eating disorder. It was the greatest taboo I've ever heard of. Living in a 3rd world country called Philippines, where a large number of people actually die of hunger and extreme poverty and there I was ironically starving myself by choice.
After that, I decided to do a research on the subject. I was astound that such a disorder does exist. ANA or MIA lurks around and preys on their next unsuspecting victim. It pretends to be your friend the when you least expect it. It sucks out the life in you. Being brought up with a person of strong will that very moment I decided to get better. How naive I was to think that recovery would be easy. I thought that all I had to do is just start stuffing foods in my mouth and start eating again then I'd be miraculously cured! It wasn't the case at all the very first meal I decided I will eat I found myself pushing the foods all around my plate. My arm felt too heavy to lift the fork and feed myself. Then I heard voices, hushing voices telling me how I'd go back to being fat if I start eating again. I kept trying but somehow I just couldn't do it. I stormed out of the table and went to my room crying my heart out. I kept asking myself what have I done? How can I fix this? I don't want to die like those people... I just can't die.
I never had any professional help nor did I had any supports from my family nor friends. ANA isn't really a recognized subject here. Often times people would just judge me whenever I try to share my ordeals and problems. So I had to brave a lonely miserable journey towards recovery. I was out there all alone fending and desperately finding my way. After that first failure I'd be performing numerous more attempts to eat normally. It took me years. It wasn't easy but with a lot of determination I was finally able to slowly recover and eat again. So am I actually cured? I can never really answer that. I feel like I have somehow recovered in a sense but I have not reached absolute recovery. I do recognize my problem. I also consciously make an effort to control it. However as pathetic as it may sound, helplessly I would relapse and face my demons over and over again till this very day.
Entry #1 Introduction
This is my very first time to blog. I don't really know where or how to start. A short introduction seems logical. So here it goes. I'm a 25 years old mother of 2 beautiful babies, a 2 years old baby girl and a 6 months old baby boy. I am happily married to the my ever so loyal and responsible husband for 3 years now. Even though we're not filthy rich, I'm proud to say that we live comfortably and can even occasionally afford little splurges in life. Everything should have been perfect except for my daily bout with an inner demon named ANA since I was 14 years old.
I decided to start this blog in an effort to seek support and share what I'm going through with people who are in the same situation. I want to seek absolute recovery. Not a day goes by that I do not fear that I might lose this long term battle and cave in to ANA for good.
In my next entry I would share with you the brief history the toxic relationship I shared with ANA. But for this entry I've decided to share my current state first.
Through the years, I'd be having moments when I fall of the wagon then fight back and reclaim my life from ANA. When I got pregnant with my first baby I honestly thought I finally found my road to a full recovery from this disorder. I sincerely assumed that I'd be free at last. Due to my overwhelming love for my baby growing inside my womb, I made a commitment for the first time in my life to continuously go through months eating like a normal person. Of course, I'd ask my husband to hide the scale from me, consciously ignore the mirrors, avoid cameras so that my problems wont be triggered.
During my prenatal check ups the doctor's secretary was considerate enough not to show me my current weight and not mention anything about it. My doctor was also aware of my history so she was also very careful not to reveal any weight related details to me. I truly felt happy during that time in my life. Until the day, I went into labor. I tried to deliver my baby normally going through 26 hours of hellish labor pains. But unfortunately due to the long term abuse my body had endured my heart gave in and I flat lined during labor. So the doctors had no choice but to perform an emergency c-section in an attempt to save both me and my baby. Fortunately, my baby and I was able to survive this ordeal and came out without any problem whatsoever.
But the day when I was about to be discharged. A stupid nurse handed me a copy of my surgical report. There I saw my weight (it's the first thing that I noticed). I was 183 lbs before I gave birth! Prior to my pregnancy I only weighed 103 lbs at 5 feet 3 inches. I gained 80 lbs. That number started haunting me day and night. I could hear those dreaded hushes and voices telling me not to eat anymore. To make the long story short. I managed to lose more than the weight I gained in just 6 months I dropped down to 98 lbs. That unfortunately was accomplished by self starvation.
2 days after my daughter's first birthday. I fell unconscious inside the bathroom after throwing up chunks and chunks of blood. My husband was able to discover me and rushed me to a nearby ER where I was treated for dehydration, gastric problems, low blood sugars, and malnutrition. I was so ashamed of myself and after I got out, I promised my husband and myself that I will get better.
I did and I got pregnant again with my 2nd baby. I gave birth to a healthy baby boy on April 2009 and I gained another 80 lbs from the whole pregnancy. Fast forward, 6 months later which is right now I have already lost 65 lbs from that 80 lbs. And once again I'm doing this by starving myself. I'm trapped in this vicious cycle. I need to quiet down this voice that tells me I can't eat. I have to win this battle for GOOD. I need absolute recovery if not for me but for my loved ones!
I am extremely scared that I might just drop dead one day and leave my family behind. But how will I keep on fighting this DEMON? Can't I be rid of this completely? What if I lose... What if I can't fight this battle any longer...
I decided to start this blog in an effort to seek support and share what I'm going through with people who are in the same situation. I want to seek absolute recovery. Not a day goes by that I do not fear that I might lose this long term battle and cave in to ANA for good.
In my next entry I would share with you the brief history the toxic relationship I shared with ANA. But for this entry I've decided to share my current state first.
Through the years, I'd be having moments when I fall of the wagon then fight back and reclaim my life from ANA. When I got pregnant with my first baby I honestly thought I finally found my road to a full recovery from this disorder. I sincerely assumed that I'd be free at last. Due to my overwhelming love for my baby growing inside my womb, I made a commitment for the first time in my life to continuously go through months eating like a normal person. Of course, I'd ask my husband to hide the scale from me, consciously ignore the mirrors, avoid cameras so that my problems wont be triggered.
During my prenatal check ups the doctor's secretary was considerate enough not to show me my current weight and not mention anything about it. My doctor was also aware of my history so she was also very careful not to reveal any weight related details to me. I truly felt happy during that time in my life. Until the day, I went into labor. I tried to deliver my baby normally going through 26 hours of hellish labor pains. But unfortunately due to the long term abuse my body had endured my heart gave in and I flat lined during labor. So the doctors had no choice but to perform an emergency c-section in an attempt to save both me and my baby. Fortunately, my baby and I was able to survive this ordeal and came out without any problem whatsoever.
But the day when I was about to be discharged. A stupid nurse handed me a copy of my surgical report. There I saw my weight (it's the first thing that I noticed). I was 183 lbs before I gave birth! Prior to my pregnancy I only weighed 103 lbs at 5 feet 3 inches. I gained 80 lbs. That number started haunting me day and night. I could hear those dreaded hushes and voices telling me not to eat anymore. To make the long story short. I managed to lose more than the weight I gained in just 6 months I dropped down to 98 lbs. That unfortunately was accomplished by self starvation.
2 days after my daughter's first birthday. I fell unconscious inside the bathroom after throwing up chunks and chunks of blood. My husband was able to discover me and rushed me to a nearby ER where I was treated for dehydration, gastric problems, low blood sugars, and malnutrition. I was so ashamed of myself and after I got out, I promised my husband and myself that I will get better.
I did and I got pregnant again with my 2nd baby. I gave birth to a healthy baby boy on April 2009 and I gained another 80 lbs from the whole pregnancy. Fast forward, 6 months later which is right now I have already lost 65 lbs from that 80 lbs. And once again I'm doing this by starving myself. I'm trapped in this vicious cycle. I need to quiet down this voice that tells me I can't eat. I have to win this battle for GOOD. I need absolute recovery if not for me but for my loved ones!
I am extremely scared that I might just drop dead one day and leave my family behind. But how will I keep on fighting this DEMON? Can't I be rid of this completely? What if I lose... What if I can't fight this battle any longer...
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