Entry #9 I Am Not A Victim

Hey guys!

It's been a while since I posted something here. But anyways here's an update on how I'm doing and what happened that last few weeks I wasn't writing.

Currently I'm doing great, I feel happy, grateful and shallow (but in a good way). I'm eating regularly now and had been restricting free for 2 weeks now. My daily diet is composed of 8 bowls of yummy oatmeals in different flavors, 2 snacks (sometimes chips or cookies), some meats (chicken, pork or seafoods), oh and I reward myself with desserts every other day like ice cream or cake yummy. Ok before all these things happened we need to do a little flashback on what happened prior to my current success.

Obviously I hit rock bottom first before coming to my senses. I went to my gastro doctor for an endoscopy to check my insides. Remember the involuntary vomiting incident. Anyways I went in for a supposedly routine check up just to see what's going on in there. Then after that ughh dreadful procedure, I chose not to be sedated but to have that numbing throat spray instead. Why? Because I need to drive home afterwards lolz. So then after the procedure the doctor talked to me and showed me a playback of the scope's journey down my insides. Then he pointed to some weird growth that he took sample of, so obviously I asked what it is. He used the I don't wanna scare you speech but it might be cancer. He told me not to think about it and wait for the pathology result. YEAH RIGHT! Who wouldn't panic?! And think of all the worst scenarios? So I looked really pale when I got home I decided not to tell my husband what the doctor said. Since I know he would panic more than I would and I wanted to get the results back first. But I was really terrified so I talked to Rache a friend I met from WBB. She told me that it's better for me to share and tell my husband how I feel. I was convinced and decided that he had the right to know what was going on. So I told him the next morning. He just walked out and he didn't come home for a few days. I thought he left me for good.

Despite being so so so rock bottom depressed and helpless. I forced myself to eat 3 full meal everyday. I need to do this because I felt now that I'm all alone I need to be stronger for my kids. There's no longer room for self pity. This is about survival. As much I wanted to just curl up on my bed and not move until I just vanish miraculously. I pushed myself with all the strength I have left in me. So the judgment day came. I drove alone to the hospital to get my results back. But to my surprise my husband was already there waiting for me. He apologized obviously and explained that he just needed to clear his head. I was greatly relieved still scared though. So the secretary handed me the dreadful envelope with the result in it. My husband held my hand and told me it's ok after all it's for better or for worse he say. I know cheesy but I cried. Tada so it turned out to be just a benign tumor after all. THANKS A LOT! Whew! I dodged that bullet.

So my husband being the ever so religious and hard core Buddhist. He immediately called up the travel agency and booked us both a trip to Nanhai, China. It's a sacred place where the temples are known to be most miraculous. He wanted us to go there to give thanks and pray for good fortune and good health and our family's safety. He was just so happy so am I of course. So we went there from Nov. 22 - Nov 25. I'll post some pictures below. :) It was great we climbed mountains to get to different temples the only downside to it was during the "pilgrimage" you need to be on a strict vegetarian diet. Climbing mountains and vegetarian diet err not a good combo. You get hungry really fast. All you can think about is when your next meal will be lolz.

I felt like a normal happy person during the whole trip I ate like a normal person, laughed like a normal person, I could even smell and taste and see things more clearly now! It used to be so so dull I don't even bother making any effort in appreciating anything. But now it was different... It's like I'm able to "live" again.

So to this very day I'm still happily eating... Refeeding and nourishing my starving body. Oh I droped down to a 105lbs after the trip I'm pretty sure I weighed even less prior that. Who cares about numbers right? I'll be better and I'm hoping really hard this time it's for good. So ANA STAY AWAY!!!!!! I don't need you. You stole too much from me.

Now that I'm well fed I can think so much clearly. I realized that all along I'd been making myself feel like a victim. Convinced that I'm the VICTIM and that I'm helpless, alone and desperate. Oh and I was not to blame I was busy pointing fingers to emphasize that others are at fault. Well newsflash... I'm not a victim, I did this to myself on my own free will. Everything started with me so they should all end with me. I should stop denying my responsibilities and face my obligations so that I can take charge of my life. Nobody can help me unless I want to be helped... And obviously I should also remind myself that I'm doing this not just for the others but primarily for MYSELF! Changes will happen with ME. SO I AM NOT A VICTIM!

Photos from our trip :)

Entry #8 I will be strong... But I'm not.

So I haven't posted the past few days. A lot of things had happened. First it sort of started great with Halloween and my daughter winning first price for her costume in the village (I'll post their pic below). Then only a day after I had to fire my daughter's nanny for 1 year due to her incapability to get along with other people (war freak). I pretend that it's OK but it isn't, since now I'm 2 help short and I'd spent a year with that person. I'm made of flesh and blood, I still feel sad and misses her in a way.
One thing you should know about me is that I am very capable of putting on a brave and happy facade but deep inside I'm breaking. Nobody would suspect I have any problems since I'd mastered the art of smiling through my pain and laughing through my troubles. The only thing they notice with me lately is that I'm losing weight. Oh yes, I am losing weight. And I can cover it up by saying I'm on a diet and I need to loose some more excessive pregnancy weight. No one would even follow up or make a fuss about it. I am embarrassed and ashamed to say that I lied to my friends and my husband. Yes I know my best friend might read this, which I hope you would so that you can smack me in the head and shout at me for lying. So what did I lie about? This is funny despite the obvious weight loss I'm having I would still claim that the scale isn't moving. AHAHAHAHA sorry you buy that shit. The truth is I've not weighed myself for a while now. Partly because I want to recover and I don't want to be bothered by numbers. And another part of me refuses to look at it and admit that I am failing in recovery miserably.
There would be days, that I wont eat at all. Then sometimes when the day started well I would but obviously not enough. I think I'm spiraling downwards and I'm losing the battle. I try to stay positive and remind myself of my kids. But it's harder... HARDER than anyone can imagine. Some people might decide to go ahead and judge us by saying you can just easily choose to eat and be over it. Sorry to burst your bubbles it's not as easy as you think. I've resorted to a lot of things in order to make or rather force myself to eat. I have 3 mobile phones.. for those who doesn't know that info.. Anyways I managed to set up 3 different alarms for each phone for every meal. Each would play a recording my daughter saying "Time to eat Mommy! Yummy food". Of course sometimes it'd work, when I'm not in that dark place where I'm struggling and fighting off that annoying demon. Anyways sometimes when I finish fighting "it" off hours would have gone by. And I'd be too tired and drained to even eat. I'd rather sleep and convince myself that I'd just eat tomorrow. Of course that's the ED talking justifying another stupid excuse.
The best I can do is eat a decent meal in a day mind you ONE decent meal, that's it! And during my bad moments of course I don't eat at all. I survive with water water H2O. I hate myself and so embarrassed and I feel so helpless all at the same time. Funny really all I can do is complain, cry, complain, and cry some more. Why can't I do something about it. Well I'm trying to do something about it. Just not working. I need to be better it's not just about me anymore. Until when should I go through this hell. Sometimes it'd feel like the only way out would be if I'd be gone permanently.. Maybe life would be better without me in it. That's obviously insane and selfish.. I'm just saying.

The daughter



The son



Belated Happy Halloween everyone!

Entry #7 Self-Worth

There wasn't really much that happened the past few days. I consciously made an effort to eat but as always not as much as I'm supposed to. Then yesterday afternoon, I met my best friend Tin.

I promised to accompany her to her gown fitting for her cousin's wedding on Nov. 15. At the designer's counter were some boxes of diet pills. And for a while my best friend was actually interested to buy one of those. Afterward, we went to SM North Edsa so that I can purchase candies and treats for the Halloween. There will be kids trick or treating in the village on Thursday. I'm actually quite excited about it and bought several costumes for my daughter to join the contest as well. I hope she'd agree to wear the wig that day.... *crossing fingers*

My brother had documents for me to sign. So he met us at the grocery as well. While I was signing the documents he offered to buy us hot dogs. As always I requested him not to get me the one with the bread. So ended buying me a hot dog on stick with a bottled water. And then he commented of how much bigger I'd become compared to before I got pregnant. He even joked that he would have to anticipate his fiance ballooning in the future as well. For a moment I thought I would affect me and I'd end up not eating the hot dog. But to my surprise, I managed to ignore it and decided to consume the hot dog anyways but I had to strip off the bacon wrapped around it before eating.

When I got home I was too tired so I just laid on my bed checked some mails and then fell asleep. I woke up again at around 11pm obviously because I need to watch over my son from 1130pm to 730am as usual.

@ 10:30 am today I woke up and went downstairs to eat my first ever complete meal. Since I managed to convince myself to try it today. So I got through with it meal with rice, vegetable, meat and soup. It felt good really until, I felt this sharp pain in my stomach. I was curling up on the floor because it really hurt so badly. Then after a few minutes I started feeling sick and started to throw up everything. NOTE: I DIDN'T STICK DOWN A FINGER DOWN MY THROAT OR ANYTHING. I just threw up without doing anything.

I could feel my stomach contracting even though there wasn't any more food left to vomit. My stomach just kept on squeezing and squeezing and I can taste the gastric juice coming out and it burns so badly on it's way up. ARGHH my throat! Then I remembered an article I read on Medusa's site. Something about gastroparesis. It horrified me I was trembling in fear that I might have that.

So I called my doctor and told him what I was experiencing. He then explained that it might just be that my stomach was all of a sudden overwhelmed with the food I ate. Since it was used to living on so little crumbs. He was confident it's not gastroparesis. It somehow comforted me but I felt so worthless!!! I just feel like I am a complete waste of space. And that I don't even deserve to be here! Sometimes I wonder if people around me would be better off without me. And then I remembered what I was fighting for. My family... I can't be selfish and give up this easily. I must continue to fight.... I just know I must.... hopefully the I can part will come afterwards.

Mood: Feeling worthless, lonely, and helpless

Entry #6 Redemption

October 25, 2009.

After I relapsed and had a crazy moment yesterday. I managed to force myself back to my recovery today. There wasn't much that happened today. I just ditched my cousin's son birthday party because obviously my mom would be there plus my grandmother. And I can't handle anymore setbacks... Oh had I mentioned that my grandmother can do more damage on that department. Maybe you wont be able to understand their mindsets, but they sincerely meant good. Obviously typical Chinese girls are BORN and BLESSED with naturally petite figures. Unfortunately, I'm not one of them. I have a bigger bone structure, meaning broad shoulders blah blah. In other words, I don't exactly fit the mold of what they so call "beautiful".

Oh also Chinese girls at least us who are born in an old fashioned conservative families are expected to be martyrs to their husbands. Meaning when your husband fools around etc. that would be on you. So you have to be at your best all the time. My grandfather had 2 wives, my grandmother and some younger slutty woman. Anyways, despite all that my grandmother didn't leave my grandfather nor did she complain. As a matter of fact when we were younger, we used to live in a house where there's literally a small bridge connecting to the house of the 2nd family. Funny but it's TRUE! And of course who would the grandfather favor more? You know the story and the issue of my dad and his siblings being abused by the "other" mom. They were treated like slaves etc etc I won't go into the "boo-hoo" details anymore. But my mom was fortunate enough to have married my dad who was ever loyal, hardworking etc. He's what you call the perfect man/husband. Obviously he's a rare breed and my grandmother and mom can't help but worry for me all the time. Despite the fact that my husband loves me dearly and is nothing but loyal to me. So deep inside they meant good. The just don't understand the concept of ED nor do they believe such a thing exists. They just love me too much to see me get hurt. So for them they're doing me a favor my telling me the "harsh truth".

However, since I was able to ditch them. I managed to eat today. I wouldn't lie it was a huge struggle and it wasn't easy like the last time. But I made myself do it this time I used my daughter as a motivation for me to eat. I let her sit beside me and we ate lunch together. for lunch I had 2 chicken again. And then for dinner I had "kikiams" and a bowl of clear chicken soup. Plus I had 2 "kutsinta" (Egg pastry) for dessert. I hid inside the bathroom and cried after each meal. But I managed not to hurt myself nor purge. I just cried it out but stayed focused. So all in all, I think I did well on the eating department. I'm just not sure with the mental psychological part. But I'll just take one day at a time for now. Too much to handle for now...

Mood: numb

Entry #5 One Step Forward, One Step Backward

I wasn't able to blog for a day due to 2 major reasons. One is that I was dead tired, Second is that things wasn't well for me and I was too frustrated to even bother blogging.

Here's a short recap of that crazy day. The day started good actually. I was supposed to meet my best friend Tin @ 1am so that we can go to the "Mega Sale" together. I managed to wake up early that day so that I can finish my "maternal duties" before leaving. When I was about to bathe my little boy @11:30am I received a phone call from my mom. She said that they were looking at houses around our vicinity and will drop off something with my dad @ our home. Anyways I hurriedly bathed my son since I have a commitment to attend to after that.

My mom arrived and I was at first really excited to see her and my dad. But the things turned horribly wrong when she started commenting on how big my arms are! She said "Why are your arms still that huge? Aren't you supposed to lose all the weight you've gained already? It's been 6 months? Do you wanna end up looking like me when you get older? (meaning fat)". It was horrible! Say that to someone who has an eating disorder. Thanks a lot. I know she meant well, since given my history I am not blessed with being naturally skinny like the other typical ASIAN girls! I have bigger frames thus I need to lose all the fats around it, just in order to fit in what they so call the "NORM". She went on poking and pinching me. Then finally she said "I know what we'll do, We can go to Belo and have SMARTLIPO together clearly you need it as well". FYI, news flash I'm not even fat! Currently I stand 5'3 and weigh 112 lbs so that gives me a BMI of 19.8. That's supposed to be considered a normal weight but I would usually weigh 98-103lbs without all the pregnancy weights. But recap I gained 80+lbs only 6 mos ago!

Obviously I haven't had breakfast nor lunch yet. I just went straight to the shower and headed off to meet my friend. I met Tin @ 1:30pm, she wanted to have lunch first before heading to the sale. But unfortunately there were no parking spaces to be found nearby so I suggested maybe we could go straight to the sale and grab something on the way there. We got there and there were food stalls outside the tent. We attempted to grab drinks before going inside. However the long line plus the extreme heat of the sun discouraged us so we just went ahead to the tent empty handed. We spent hours in there. But as we were trying on dresses I started to feel weak and lightheaded, my mouth was dry and I was barely catching my breath. I decided to tell Tin how I'm feeling. It feels like I'm gonna collapse any minute due to extreme dehydration. We paid for our stuffs and headed to the nearest Starbucks at Metrowalk.

@ Starbucks, I ordered a grande caramel affogato (which is blended creme topped with an espresso shot) Tin ordered some green tea latte with soy something (I can't recall lolz). So we sat there and grabbed some magazines and started drinking our beverages. It was really good, I told her that we should do that more often since I barely go out anymore. We then started browsing magazines and gossiping. But what she didn't know is that while I was flipping through the pages and seeing all those skinny models on the prints made my mom's earliest comment playback over and over in my head. I'm really a master of this charade since my best friend beside me didn't even suspect a thing. I was starting to be drawn back to that dark place where self hate and all things negatives dwell. We finally headed home and since she was obviously starving, we ate @ home before I dropped her off the nearest train station. I only consumed a block of tofu and some vegetable bites plus a half bowl of clear soup because I'm well aware of how much calories was I able to consume during that Starbucks break.

When I returned home and started taking off my clothes to change into my pjs. I stared at the mirror and saw my horrible reflection. There I can see all the fats my mom was referring to and pinching earlier and of course ANA was there to make me hate myself even more. I started crying and started banging my head against the wall, I just couldn't take it anymore I hated myself. Just when I was starting to recover there I was hating myself again! Then I saw the package opener we purchased earlier. To make things worse, I started cutting myself with it. I cut my fingers then my hands then the pain wasn't enough i started slashing my stomach with it over and over! The cuts weren't deep they're just very shallow that there were just minimal blood. But at that moment I was horribly seeking pain towards myself and I grabbed a bottle of 70% alcohol and poured it over the wounds over and over. I felt disgusted, frustrated, desperate etc etc.

And then, my daughter started banging on the bathroom door shouting she needs to use the potty. Lucky for me, that drew me back to sanity. I put on my clothes and opened the door for her. Then she stared at me confused and said "mommy cry?". I felt so ashamed of myself! How could I've been so selfish! I have 2 kids now!!! What in the world was I thinking?! They need me and I'm so weak and pathetic.

Here are some photos so that you can relate.
This was me April of 2009 prior to giving birth to my son.

This was me October 24, 2009 self destructing inside the bathroom.


Mood: Ashamed

Entry #4 Excuses, Excuses, Excuses....

So today feeling specially motivated to face my daily struggles, I started my day. However, this time it's not my brain that wasn't willing to cooperate today it's my body!

I had a rough night. I might have been over zealous and over eager to recover that I read one blog after another last night and when I finally looked up to check the time it's already 8:45am! Talk about obsession, I'm the master. Oh well, so I dragged my sorry butt to bed hoping to get a decent amount of sleep. But with a toddler and a baby, I highly doubt that's possible. Don't get me wrong I'm not complaining. I'm just stating a fact. I love my babies dearly, I can't stop emphasizing that enough. They're what keep me going and my ultimate reason to be better. However sleep deprivation with motherhood is inevitable. Bottom line my daughter decided that @ 11am it's time for mommy to wake up. HAHAHAHA.

So now you'd understand why I feel like a walking zombie today lolz. I seemed oddly happy without sleep though. Must credit that to thenew people I met in WBB. I must say I was overwhelmed and so comforted that there are actually so many people out there who are going through the same thing. They are all so extremely kind and supportive esp. Arielle and Medusa. The 2 people I am most grateful for. For the longest time, I could finally look forward to another day. Because they had given me hope... The hope that I could actually get better.

Anyways since it was too late for breakfast. I went ahead to the dining table to have my lunch. So did I actually eat today? Surprisingly YES! I ignored that little dark voice telling me to just turn around and leave the table. I refused to listen and bravely pulled out a chair. I filled my plate with foods I'm determined to consume for that meal. Those food consisted of 2 servings of pork meat a matchbox size per serving, 3 spoonful of string beans and a big bowl of clear soup. I managed to finish all of them without any trouble. Well actually I had a little help, I called my best friend Tin and stayed on the phone while eating. I did that to keep me distracted. It's rather hard to listen to that small voice when you're actually listening to a real live talking human on the phone. HEHEHE (To ANA, yes I'm playing your game only this time against you! And NO I'm not even remotely sorry for doing that). If you noticed I didn't eat any rice. Well I just can't make myself do that yet. Maybe I would be able to a little later when I'm in my advanced recovery phase. For now, I'll just continue to focus on what I can actually do. I don't want to dwell on those negativity. Just bear with me on this one.

After lunch, I felt so happy felt like another victory on my part. With my confidence sky rocketing. I had extra energy to actually play with my super hyper funny adorable daughter. When I got tired, I held her tightly. I really felt so complete and comforted. Because this time I'm positive that I can stay around for my loved ones. I just have to stay focused and fight this battle with all that I have. I refuse to give this up, I have a perfect life. I'm refuse to throw all of these away for ANA. I can actually make this happen!

Update: I fell asleep after composing this entry in my draft. I just woke up and missed dinner. EXCUSES... Oh well tomorrow will be another day! And I know I'll do better!

So for the day I consumed the ff:
2 matchbox serving of pork.
3 spoonful of string beans.
! big bowl of clear soup.
1 glass of kiwi/cranberry juice.
3 liters of water.
2 yakults (please google this if you dont know what this is)
1 medium size fragrant pear.
2 pcs unsalted crackers.

I know they're still not enough. But the very least the list is a lot longer the the previous one! :)

Mood: Happy! Happy! Happy!

Entry #3 A Little Progress

I started the day determined to be BETTER! My daily routine would involve me weighing in first thing in the morning. Today when I woke up at 10:30am, I went directly to the bathroom and pushed aside the scale. I brushed my teeth washed my face and greeted my daughter with a very lively "Good Morning". She kissed me and gave me a hug which made me feel even more confident in braving this day. Then I went to my son's room finding him wide awake playing with his nanny. He "coooed" and smiled upon seeing me enter the room. He was waddling his hands about as if he wanted me to hold him. So I held him in my arms and kissed him. My babies are my source of strength they keep me from succumbing and surrendering to ED.

It was almost noon so I went downstairs and headed to the dining table examining the foods that were prepared. There were too many foods, but I still can't make myself eat any of them. Then I saw the bananas, I grabbed one and decided that it would be my lunch for the day. It was then when I finally decided to publish the first 2 entries I have composed in my draft.

Then my husband and I left the house to go to Manila. I wasn't really supposed to go but I accidentally purchased a defective speaker the other day and I need to replace the unit to the vendor.

When we reached Manila, my hubby dropped me off near 168 Shopping Mall and then he headed directly to his office. Inside 168, the whole place was extremely crowded with people. They might be the so called x-mas shoppers. I got pushed and bumped around like a pin ball while I was trying to reach the store where I got the speaker the other day. The store owner was nice enough to immediately replace my item without any trouble at all.

Then it occurred to me that my son's 1st birthday is coming up already. So I felt like I might as well scout the mall for something to giveaway on his party. After walking for too long. I could literally feel and hear my heart beating out off my chest already. I started having cold sweats and feeling light headed so I rushed to the 3rd floor of the mall where the food court was located. I found myself a seat to rest on for a bit and I actually planned to buy something to eat after I feel better.

So when I felt better, I stood up and walked around the food court trying to decide what should I eat. But for every single food I see that dark voice inside me would be able to talk me out of buying it. Finally my hubby finished his work for the day and called my mobile telling me to wait outside the mall so he can pick me up. So I just left the mall empty handed. It only took him a few minutes to reach the mall since it's really near his office. I got in the car and he looked at me and made a comment about how pale I looked. He suggested maybe we should eat first before heading home. I didn't reply. Because I have no idea about what I want anymore. In Ongpin (Chinatown) finding a parking place was really a challenge so he said we might as well just leave and head home.

I felt bad for feeling relieved that I wouldn't have to worry about forcing myself to eat. I just can't do it today. I can't explain it but I just can't. Since I was really exhausted I fell asleep inside the car then I felt the car stopped. I opened my eyes and to my surprise my hubby parked in front of KFC near the temple we go to. He said let's have a little snack before we go to the temple, maybe you'd find peace from there. As helpless as I felt I still followed him inside the fast food. He asked me what I wanted to eat but I just told him to get whatever he felt like eating. When he returned with the food I saw 2 plates both with 2pcs of chicken on them. He handed me one even adding "I remembered to tell them not to give you wing parts, I know how much you hate them". I might be shallow but upon hearing that I felt the courage to lift up the fork and I started digging into my chicken. At that moment, I kept my mind blank and just focused on stuffing my mouth with food one bite after another. To my amazement I was able to consume the 2pcs of chicken on my plate. Of course I left the rice behind. But still I ate!

Then he finally drove us to the temple we go to just as he promised. There I thanked and prayed for good health, good fortune, and safety for our whole family. I felt so peaceful that I wasn't even obsessing about the fact that I just consumed the chickens. I wasn't even being haunted by my demons!

So for today, I had consume the ff:
1 banana.
2 pcs Kentucky fried chicken (1 breast part, 1 leg part) both with skin on them.
1 can of orange soda.
3 liters of H2O

This may seem like nothing to others but trust me it's PROGRESS! The first step has always been the hardest to make. I'm confident that tomorrow I will be another step closer towards my recovery.